Coming back from failure

“Tanking” is a term that has been around for a long time, likely originating in boxing and referring to throwing a fight, taking a dive and deliberately losing. In more recent times, however, the term has been used to refer to losing spectacularly, crashing down and falling apart in the face of one too many perceived failures.

Tanking

“Tanking” has been said by Dr. Jim Loehr to involve a massive chasm between where you are and where you want to get to, the last hurdle you need to cross. Pent-up fear or frustration drives you to tank, get down on yourself and fail again, when actually you are only one step away from the success you are longing for. That last step in crossing the chasm is acceptance, or letting go, allowing yourself the freedom to jump the chasm and finally succeed.

Tanking reminds me of the end stages of anticipatory grief, the grief that occurs when you see a loss coming and feel helpless and hopeless about doing anything about it. Obvious losses include the death of a loved one, the end of a job or career, the loss of a talent or skill, the loss of money and the end of love in a relationship.

In sports, a player works and works, achieves runner-up finishes and other minor successes, but just can’t seem to get into the winner’s circle. Ultimately, such players judge themselves to be failures and become completely discouraged.

The stages of anticipatory grief

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of anticipatory grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. “Tanking” would be the depression stage, followed, hopefully, by acceptance.

However, on the way to that end, players will deny their problems, become angry at the situation and try to bargain their way out of it with rationalizations such as: “OK, I’m not good at some aspects of the game, but I’m good enough at everything else that I deserve to win despite a few shortcomings. If only all the unfair obstacles and bad luck would get out of my way, I’d be a star.”

Ultimately, none of these tactics work, and depression, or tanking, sets in, including equally extreme self-talk such as: “I’m not only bad at some aspects of the game, I’m a failure at the whole game. In fact, I’m just lousy as a player and as a person. I’m worthless, a loser, and I can’t do anything about it.”

Pulling yourself out of it

Once you hit bottom and wander around in a daze for a while, some caring person in your life, a friend, spouse, fellow player, coach or psychologist, will likely encourage or challenge you to step back and reassess, figure out what you have to do to perform better, make a realistic game plan and move forward with an attitude of gratitude and acceptance.

You come to recognize that it is not going to be easy, that the game is difficult and that you have to double down and work harder on all aspects of the game. You commit to allowing for both good and bad breaks, to being patient with gradual improvement and to accepting whatever the game gives you on its own timetable.

Only then can you cross the chasm and avail yourself of a new life and game on the other side.

Dr. Tom Dorsel is Professor Emeritus of Psychology and a clinical/sport psychologist on Hilton Head Island. His best-selling book is “GOLF: The Mental Game.” Reach Dr. Tom on Facebook or at tom@dorsel.com.